Why Do People Cheat? The Psychology Behind Infidelity in Men and Women

When someone discovers an affair, the first question is almost always “why?” It is asked late at night, to friends, to Google, and over and over to the person who cheated. As a clinical psychologist I cannot give one answer that fits every marriage, but research gives us a clearer, more honest picture than gossip or blame. Understanding why people cheat does not excuse it. It helps you make sense of what happened and decide what comes next.

In this guide I will cover what the research says about motives, how affairs tend to develop in desi marriages, the myths that make the pain worse, and practical steps and scripts for the days after discovery.

Short answer: People cheat for a mix of reasons: feeling unloved or neglected, anger, low commitment, wanting to feel desired, seeking novelty, or simply being in a tempting situation. Research finds that men and women share most of these motives. Infidelity is a choice made within a context, so both the person and the relationship matter.

• Eight main motives: a study of people who had cheated identified anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire and situation (Selterman et al., 2019).
• More alike than different: men and women reported broadly similar reasons, with some differences in emphasis.
• Many factors at once: reviews describe personal, relationship and situational factors acting together (Fincham and May, 2017; Allen et al., 2005).

The myth of one simple reason

Popular explanations are tidy: “men are like that”, “she was unhappy”, “it was the phone”. Real cases are rarely tidy. People who have had affairs often describe several pressures at once, such as distance at home, a lonely season at work and an opportunity that seemed small at first.

That is why searching for the single cause rarely helps. A better question is: what needs, weaknesses and situations came together, and which of them can be changed?

What research says drives infidelity

When researchers ask why do people cheat, they usually ask people who have had affairs directly. A major review by Allen and colleagues organised the evidence into three groups: factors inside the person, factors in the relationship, and factors in the surrounding situation (Allen et al., 2005).

Relationship reasons

Lack of love and neglect were among the motives participants linked to their affairs in Selterman’s study (Selterman et al., 2019). In desi marriages this often looks like two people living as co-managers of a household: fees, groceries, relatives, but very little warmth.

Anger is another. Some people cheat to punish a partner, or after a long resentment that was never spoken.

Personal reasons

Self-esteem and the wish to feel desired are common. An affair can feel like proof that one is still attractive or interesting. Need for variety and sexual desire also appear, and these are not always signs of an unhappy marriage.

Situational reasons

Opportunity matters. Travel, late working hours, private messaging and drifting boundaries with a colleague or old friend all make it easier for a small step to become a large one.

How affairs often begin in desi marriages

A composite of common situations (not a real client). Each situation below is illustrative. They show how ordinary circumstances can open a door.

The old classmate on WhatsApp

Imran, married six years in Rawalpindi, reconnects with a university friend through a class group. Messages start with memories, then move to private chats late at night. He tells himself it is harmless because nothing physical happens. His wife notices he takes his phone to the bathroom.

The long Gulf separation

Faisal works in Dubai while his wife and children stay in Multan. Calls become updates about fees and repairs. Loneliness, a separate social world and little shared daily life create the situational risk researchers describe.

The colleague who listens

Neha, in Mumbai, feels her husband only talks about his mother and money. A colleague asks about her day and remembers what she said. The affair starts as being understood, long before anything else.

None of these situations excuses cheating. They show why prevention is about noticing drift early, not only about trusting willpower.

Is it different for men and women?

Why do people cheat, and does gender change the answer? Many families assume men cheat for physical reasons and women for emotional ones. The research is more nuanced: in Selterman’s sample, both men and women reported a wide range of motives, and the overlap was larger than the stereotypes suggest. Culture still shapes the consequences, which are often harsher for women in our societies, but the inner reasons are more human than gendered.

Understanding a reason is not the same as accepting it. Responsibility for an affair rests with the person who chose it, even when the marriage also needs work.

Myths and facts about infidelity

• Myth: “Only unhappy people cheat.” Fact: personal and situational factors play a part too, not just relationship unhappiness (Selterman et al., 2019).
• Myth: “Men and women cheat for opposite reasons.” Fact: their motives overlap a great deal.
• Myth: “It always just happened.” Fact: affairs often follow a series of small choices, which is why boundaries matter early.
• Myth: “If you had been a better wife or husband, it wouldn’t have happened.” Fact: relationship problems can be one factor among many, but the decision to cheat belongs to the person who made it (Allen et al., 2005).
• Myth: “Once trust is broken, a marriage can never recover.” Fact: some couples do rebuild; in a small study of a structured therapy for affair recovery, most couples became less distressed (Gordon, Baucom and Snyder, 2004).
• Myth: “Talking about it endlessly will heal it.” Fact: talking helps when it is structured and safe; repeated late-night interrogations usually deepen the wound.

What this means for you

If you have been betrayed, knowing the common motives can ease the feeling that you are somehow uniquely to blame. If you are the one who strayed, the list can help you look honestly at what you were seeking, rather than repeating the pattern. For couples trying to stay together, the APA notes that relationship skills can be learned and strengthened with support.

The first days after discovering an affair: step by step

1. Make sure you are safe: if there is any violence, threats or control in the relationship, your safety and your children’s safety come first. Contact emergency services or a trusted person before anything else. In Saudi Arabia, domestic violence can be reported on 1919; other numbers are in the help box below.
2. Pause major decisions: shock distorts judgement. Give yourself time before deciding about divorce or telling families.
3. Look after basics: sleep, food, water and prayer or quiet time, if these help you. Your body is in a stress state.
4. Choose one trusted, discreet person: a sibling or close friend who will not spread the story or take sides loudly.
5. Protect the children: keep them out of the conflict and away from arguments, phones and details.
6. Avoid revenge and spying: retaliating, going through devices or tracking your spouse usually deepens the harm and can create legal problems. Ask directly instead, when you feel ready.
7. Get the facts calmly: ask questions when you are ready, not at 3 a.m. in the middle of a fight.
8. Consider a qualified counsellor: a neutral professional helps both people be heard safely.

What to say: scripts for difficult conversations

If you have been betrayed and need time

“I am too hurt to decide anything right now. I need a few days. I will tell you when I am ready to talk properly.”

If you want answers without a fight

“I want to understand what happened. I’m going to ask a few questions, and I need honest answers, even if they’re hard. If it gets too heated, we’ll stop and continue tomorrow.”

If you are the one who cheated

“What I did was my choice and my responsibility. I’m not going to make excuses. I will answer your questions honestly and I’m willing to get help, whatever you decide.”

When family starts asking questions

“We are going through something private and we are dealing with it. Please give us some space. We’ll share what we need to when we’re ready.”

Avoid saying “You made me do it” or “Everyone does it”. Statements like these shift blame and make recovery much harder.

If you try to rebuild: what recovery tends to involve

Gordon, Baucom and Snyder’s treatment for affair recovery works through three broad stages: dealing with the immediate impact, understanding the context and meaning of the affair, and then moving on, whether together or apart (Gordon, Baucom and Snyder, 2004). Their study was small, so treat it as a helpful map rather than a promise.

1. Stabilise: the affair ends completely, contact stops, and both partners agree some ground rules for how and when the affair is discussed.
2. Understand: with a counsellor’s help, look honestly at the personal, relationship and situational factors involved, without turning understanding into excuses.
3. Rebuild transparency: the partner who cheated offers openness, such as being clear about whereabouts and messages, for an agreed period, rather than waiting to be checked.
4. Repair the marriage itself: work on the distance, neglect or resentment that may have been there before, because these matter for the future.
5. Decide how to move on: forgiveness, if it comes, is a process over time. It does not mean forgetting, and it does not require staying together.

Early warning signs of drift in a marriage

Because affairs often grow out of small steps, noticing drift early is one of the most protective things a couple can do. Watch for:

• conversations that are only about logistics: bills, school runs, relatives
• one partner sharing more about their feelings with a colleague or old friend than with their spouse
• private chats that would feel awkward if your spouse read them
• long physical separations, such as Gulf postings, with no shared routine or plan for staying close
• resentment that has never been spoken aloud

If several of these feel familiar, it is a reason to talk, not a reason to panic. My guide to raising difficult topics without a fight can help you start.

Deciding whether to stay or leave

There is no single right answer. Some couples separate and some rebuild, and both can be reasonable. A review on conflict communication found that what helps depends on the couple and the seriousness of the problem; ignoring a serious issue rarely makes it go away (Overall and McNulty, 2017).

Questions that can help you think more clearly:

• Is the affair completely over, and is my partner willing to be transparent?
• Is my partner taking responsibility, or blaming me?
• Was this one breach, or part of a long pattern?
• Do I feel safe, physically and emotionally?
• What would I want, if I were not afraid of what people will say?

Safety comes first. If there is any violence, threat or control, put your safety before reconciliation and seek help.

When to get professional help

Please reach out to a qualified psychologist or couples counsellor if:

• distress has lasted more than two weeks or is affecting sleep, work or parenting
• you cannot stop checking phones or replaying details
• conversations about the affair repeatedly turn into shouting or silence
• you are using substances to cope
• you feel hopeless, or have any thoughts of harming yourself or others (use the urgent help below today)

If you need urgent help If you might harm yourself or someone else, or you are in danger right now, call your local emergency number or go to the nearest emergency department.

• Pakistan: Umang mental health helpline 0311 7786264 (emergency: police 15, Rescue 1122)
• Saudi Arabia: emergency 911 (Riyadh, Makkah and Eastern Province; elsewhere call your local emergency number); counselling line 920033360 (8am–8pm, Saturday 1pm–8pm; not 24 hours)
• Saudi Arabia (domestic violence or abuse): report on 1919
• India: Tele-MANAS 14416 or 1-800-891-4416 (emergency 112)
• Bangladesh: Kaan Pete Roi +880 9612-119911 (3pm to 3am daily)
• United States: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988 (24/7)
• Canada: 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline, call or text 9-8-8 (24/7)
• UK and Ireland: Samaritans 116 123 (free, 24/7)
• European Union: emergency number 112
• Australia: Lifeline 13 11 14 (24/7)
• New Zealand: Need to Talk? call or text 1737 (free, 24/7)
• Anywhere else: call your local emergency number, or find a free helpline at findahelpline.com.

If you would like to talk this through with me, you can book a consultation. Whoever you choose, choose someone qualified and registered.

Related reading: How to Avoid Arguments With Your Spouse, How to Set Boundaries With Family Without Guilt, How to Handle Anxiety: A Psychologist’s Practical Guide. For more, explore the Relationships section of this site.

Quick FAQ

Can a person who cheated once change?
Some people do, particularly when they take full responsibility and work on what led to the affair. Change is shown over time through behaviour, not promised in a single conversation.

Is emotional cheating as serious as physical cheating?
Many people experience emotional affairs as just as painful, because the betrayal of trust and closeness is the same.

Does cheating always end a marriage?
No. Some couples separate and some rebuild. Both can be reasonable choices, and safety should always come first.

Should I tell our families?
Think carefully before you do. Families can offer support, but they can also take sides permanently. Many people find it helpful to speak to a counsellor first.

References

1. Selterman D, Garcia JR, Tsapelas I. Motivations for extradyadic infidelity revisited. The Journal of Sex Research. 2019;56(3):273-286. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2017.1393494
2. Fincham FD, May RW. Infidelity in romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017;13:70-74. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.008
3. Allen ES, Atkins DC, Baucom DH, et al. Intrapersonal, interpersonal, and contextual factors in engaging in and responding to extramarital involvement. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice. 2005;12(2):101-130. https://doi.org/10.1093/clipsy.bpi014
4. Gordon KC, Baucom DH, Snyder DK. An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. 2004;30(2):213-231. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2004.tb01235.x
5. Overall NC, McNulty JK. What type of communication during conflict is beneficial for intimate relationships? Current Opinion in Psychology. 2017;13:1-5. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002
6. American Psychological Association. Marriage and relationships. https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships
7. Rescue 1122 (Emergency Services Department). https://rescue.gov.pk/

Last checked 13 October 2026. This article is for education only and is not a substitute for professional care. Written by Dr. Malik Sherjeel Awan (PsyD).

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Dr. Malik Sherjeel Awan

Dr. Malik Sherjeel Awan is a clinical psychologist based in Makkah. PsyD (Clinical Psychology), University of Karachi.
He writes practical, evidence-based psychology for everyday life.

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